Our behavior has an impact on ourselves and others, whether it is intended or not. Often, we are unaware of the impact of our behavior. We grow and change when we pause, address OUR OWN behavior and ensuing impact, AND share with others the impact of THEIR behavior. Impact matters. As we wrap up a series on effective confrontation, Impact is a key ingredient of our FBI statement used in recognition and when asking for change.
Sarah Weisbarth tells us about the four categories of impact – time, money, fulfillment, energy. She and Adam J. Salgat talk about identifying the impact category that best fits the person you are going to confront. The power of recognition statements is discussed and the sweetness level of sweet potato casserole. 🙂 HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
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Adam Salgat:
Welcome to the, Our Community Listens podcast, where we strengthen relationships and build stronger communities through listening, leadership, care and service, to create truly human connection. Learn and partner with us as we imagine a society in which people care about each other first. Explore more at ourcommunitylistens.org.
(music)
Hello everyone. My name is Adam Salgat and today’s topic is impact. The title of today’s episode is, why should I care? The impact of impact.
Our behavior has an impact on ourselves and others, whether it is intended or not. Often, we are unaware of the impact of our behavior. We grow and change when we pause, address our own behavior in ensuing impact, and share with others the impact of their behavior. Impact matters. To personally get involved and talk more about this topic, join one of our connect sessions, which are held every third, Thursday, and fourth, Tuesday of the month. We will dig deeper into the podcast topic, engage in conversation, and identify areas we can improve and grow.
Joining me today is Sarah Weisbarth. Got a round of applause for Sarah this time around. She is the leader of curriculum improvement and development, and is here to help us understand more on this topic. Hi, Sarah, how are you doing?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Well, I’m feeling pretty good with that introduction.
Adam Salgat:
Adam got some new toys, so you’re going to notice a few things, listeners, in the next coming months. Some unique sounds and hopefully we get to play a little bit.
Sarah Weisbarth:
I love it.
Adam Salgat:
So we’re talking about impact today. Yes. We’re probably going to say that word a billion times, right?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking it through to really identify, man, what is it that we want to share with our audience around this topic? And I do feel like the title is going to be the impact of impact. Like it’s a noun, a verb, right? I think you have a definition for us.
Adam Salgat:
I do. Yes. Good old Google comes in handy for this kind of stuff. Impact as noun, the action of one object coming forcibly into contact with another. The verb, the one we’re really looking at is the second definition as a verb. Have a strong effect on someone or something.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Well, I like that. It really is. If we think about it, and in the context of which we utilize it within our content, and the principles that we share, we talk about it from both the noun and the verb. When we’ve had an impact on someone else, and then being able to communicate what that impact actually is. I had someone say to me in conversation about this, our behavior has impact whether we realize it or not. So it’s almost a law of physics where there’s that equal and opposite reaction. Where I behave in a particular way, and whether I realize it or not, my behavior is having an impact on someone else.
Adam Salgat:
You know, what that reminds me of is I believe it was Charles Barkley back in the day. He used to talk about not being a role model. I’m not a role model. But unfortunately, what he chose to do because he’s in such a public eye, and the behavior that he exhibits, it has an impact whether he really wants to believe it or wanting to be a part of it. So that, on a grander scale or kind of a different scale, is a little bit of what we’re talking about. But in our daily lives, obviously, our behavior is going to have an impact on the people around us.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. Let’s tee it up with some content for our listeners so we can really frame it into an understanding. Impact is a noun and a verb. Our behavior does have an impact on others, whether we realize it or not. When we talk about impact, we’re often talking about it from either a confrontation conversation. Where I’ve crafted a message and I want to talk to someone about their behavior and how I feel about it, and then the impact that their behavior is having. And we also talk about it from a recognition perspective, where I want to really acknowledge to someone their behavior that I want to encourage them to continue, or to even just appreciate and recognize them for how incredible they are. And it’s important to bring impact into both of those conversations because it helps people understand why what they’re doing matters.
Adam Salgat:
Right. And that’s the other part of our title of this podcast. Why does it matter?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. Right. And I think if I go to the confrontation side of things, well, first let’s talk about the categories that impact can fall into.
Adam Salgat:
Sure.
Sarah Weisbarth:
So impact is generally in four different categories. And they’re either on time, so they’ll be time impacts. They’ll be impacts on money, or the bottom line. They’ll be impacts on fulfillment, like our satisfaction. Could be within relationships. It could be our job satisfaction. And then in energy, so do I have to do more work? Do I have to really increase the time of which I’m trying to engage with someone? That could be an impact.
And there’s different examples and different ideas around it. But when we look at those four categories of impact, when we behave in a way, whatever way that is, the impact of our behavior will fall into one of those four categories. The importance then of sharing with another, the impact of their behavior, goes to that point of like, well, why does it matter? And very often we’ll share with someone, if we’re frustrated with them, or wanting to confront them, we’ll do a, when you, I feel statement. You did this thing. When you, behavior, I feel, emotion. Without the impact, people don’t understand why their behavior matters. They don’t understand the impact.
Adam Salgat:
Let me toss something out there. So if I were to say, when you show up late, I feel sad. And I just left it at that. You can kind of look at it and go, well, that’s okay. I’m sorry, I made you feel sad. And then just move on, right?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yep. Yeah.
Adam Salgat:
Well, I was going to say, when you start adding in that impact, and let’s talk about that, when you start adding in that impact, it connects on another level. Correct?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Oh, certainly. You’re right. My sarcastic answer normally is like, well, sorry, you feel that way. Because we’ve all experienced that from people. We’ve all shared something with someone when we’re feeling hurt or upset or disappointed, and the answer is like, well, I’m sorry you feel that way. And nothing then changes. Nothing’s resolved.
Adam Salgat:
Right.
Sarah Weisbarth:
We’ll go with your late example and we’ll tie it to the four categories of impact. So if I’m late, you’re going to have some sort of feeling about it, but the impact, so the impact on time could be, we’re not going to have enough time to record this podcast. Impact on money could be, well, it’s going to take more of my time now to record this podcast, and there’s a financial implication.
Impact on energy is, I didn’t have the ability to really think about what we were going to do today so now I have to get going recording the podcast, and think about what we’re going to do. And I might have other impacts with my family, and other commitments that are also pressing on me from an energy standpoint, because someone was late. And then the fulfillment could quite frankly be the disappointment in the quality of the relationship, and maybe the professionalism with which we exhibit toward one another. And that’s just a quick example of me being late for a podcast.
Adam Salgat:
Which by the way, she was not.
Sarah Weisbarth:
I was early today.
Adam Salgat:
I actually held her off because I was recording the opening. But I can understand what you’re saying. There’s a lot of different pieces here that … Well, a lot, meaning there’s four different categories, general categories, that it’s going to fall into. And I’ve always, since taking the class, I’ve always found this portion of it very interesting. Is when talking to someone about the impact, it’s trying to connect to what one of those four is going to make the biggest difference to them. What’s really going to connect with them, and what’s really going to matter? Because I may mention time and they may be like, oh, that’s fine. I got plenty of time and we’ll make more time later. That’ll be okay. But maybe if I said something about the financial situation, they may connect to it and say, Oh, I can understand where you’re coming from. Can you elaborate on that a little bit more?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. I think that’s why that question of like, why does it matter, has multiple applications. Because I could try to identify for myself. If someone has a behavior that I’m having a problem with, if I take the time to identify for myself the impact, it actually allows me to assess through, do I really even want to confront this behavior? Or do I want to accept or change a situation? Because like, okay, well, why does this matter to me? Is it about me? Is it about the behavior? It is about the person. So that gives me point one of assessing, is this important enough to have a conversation about? So identifying that impact is crucial for my motive and my choice. And then identifying the impact and being able to communicate it to another allows me to create an opportunity for them to be motivated to change.
Remember, I can’t change them. I can only change myself. But if I can help them understand the impact of their behavior and tailor it to a, why would it matter to them? Which is exactly what you were saying. Some people are going to be much more tied to impacts that feel more concrete, like time and money. Some people are more relational. So an impact that might point to fulfillment or energy is going to matter to them more. So some of it is knowing the individual. And if you don’t know the individual, you can throw in both sides of impact. Something that’s more time or money-related, or something that’s more energy and fulfillment.
Adam Salgat:
This has always been a conversation when my wife is at different relationships that she’s worked through in the school systems. And she had a particular boss that I know just from the stories that she shared with me, I know she connected more with the idea of getting things done, as opposed to how it was necessarily going to affect Becky personally. So we talked about that and when she needed to confront her, and knowing that it was going to have a larger impact explaining, we can’t do these things because if we do it, or try to do it, we won’t get X, Y, and Z done. But if she would approach it the other way and decided we can do these things, but it’s going to cause me to pull my hair out. Well, that particular person really might not have connected and cared too much. Basically, would have said, do it. Too bad.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. Some people really connect to impacts that are about like vision. Especially in an organization. Okay, well how does this impact our vision? How does this impact mission? Is this towards strategy? How does this impact our people? How does it impact our audience or our customers? There’s so many ways to take a look at crafting the impact.
Adam Salgat:
To kind of wrap up this section of our podcast, this portion of it, what we’re talking about is a lot to do with knowing that our behavior has an impact. Correct? And that if we’re looking at a way to change people around us, we need to think about ourselves first.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yes. So much of what we teach is a dual purpose. Well, how do I communicate? How do I interact with others? How do I maybe understand others in such a way that I can create more effective communication? But that has to start with me. I first have to really spend some time reflecting on and understanding myself in the same moment.
Adam Salgat:
Join with others across the country, and the world, in an interactive webinar titled, The Impact of Impact and Recognition. Sharing the impact of behavior motivates change. Understanding impact advances conversations around conflict. In addition, when people are recognized for their value, they continue behaviors that support growth and development. Join us to reflect on recognition and the impact of behaviors, yours, and others. For more information, visit ourcommunitylistens.org.
Sarah, this topic, impact, is the third of, what is the word I’m looking for?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Well, we’ve been doing a series. We’ve been doing a series with our webinars around effective confrontation. And you and I have had the opportunity to highlight some of the topics that are in those webinars around utilizing a particular approach to effective confrontation and recognition.
Adam Salgat:
Right. So that would be our FBI statements, the feeling, behavior and impact. And that’s what we’ve been working on in the last three podcasts, or the prior two podcasts, and this being the third leading into it.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. Yeah. We’ve been building.
Adam Salgat:
You mentioned something in there. And I think we talk about confrontation first a lot, and it makes sense because people get uncomfortable and they want to know how to fix that. They want to know how to change that feeling of being uncomfortable and it makes sense that we first would go there. But with this podcast coming out on Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the idea of thankfulness comes to mind for me. And therefore, the second part of your FBI usage, you mentioned giving recognition. That’s the part I kind of, I’d like to build on right now. I’d like to talk about creating a thankful message on Thanksgiving day, you can sit down at the table and you can blow your family away with this unbelievable FBI statement when everyone else, just says, “I’m happy the Lions aren’t losing.” You know what I mean? So let’s build on that. Let’s work on that a little bit.
Sarah Weisbarth:
It is 2020 and everything’s backwards. So the Lions not losing, it’s a factor. So I think we could be grateful for that.
Adam Salgat:
We’ll see how the game goes, I don’t have much faith. But the idea here, let’s focus around the idea of building a recognition, an FBI recognition message for someone.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. So the ingredients are the same. We’ve been talking about those ingredients leading up to it. A reminder that it doesn’t have to be in the order of feeling behavior impact. If you want to lead with impact, and let people know what the impact of their behavior was on you first, that’s what they’re going to likely remember most. Different people identify with different things.
Sometimes people really identify with that feeling, and it creates that empathetic connection with one another when we share that feeling. But we really do, we utilize FBI statements to acknowledge, to appreciate, to be grateful, to be thankful, for someone else’s behavior. And you can go through different studies and research that’ll tell you that when we’re doing recognition, when we’re doing appreciation for others, it actually has an impact then on us as well. That the endorphin release and the feelings of the, I don’t know if it’s the dopamine or the oxytocin, but anyways.
Adam Salgat:
Both sound good to me.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Those neurotransmitters that get released when we’re appreciating and having gratitude for others, and then truly expressing it. So we’re experiencing that appreciation and then we’re expressing that appreciation. And then when we see that impact on the other for that, it’s amazing. It’s absolutely amazing. And there’s like a five to one ratio. When you’re looking to improve other people’s behavior, and encourage them to change their behavior, if you provide five recognition messages to everyone, maybe confrontation, or constructive criticism, or coaching feedback, depending on how you want to categorize it, five to one ratio. So really doing a lot of recognition and appreciation is crucial if we’re going to support those in our span of care. Work, home, life, start recognizing people.
Adam Salgat:
That’s exactly what I’m talking about to. Start recognizing people, and find the way to do it. In attaboys, saying good job, those are good, but let’s get a little deeper than that.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. That’s why I totally just interrupted you.
Adam Salgat:
Well that’s okay. I was just going to say, I know we have a skill snippet that was recently put out when it came to parenting about how good jobs and thank you for doing that particular task. Let’s talk about how to get deeper than that for our kids so they really start to see what it is that we’re trying to say to them. So any examples in mind, or maybe we build one on the fly? I don’t know. But any suggestions?
Sarah Weisbarth:
We do a lot of this on the fly, Adam. So yes. I’m glad you brought up youth. It’s actually one of my trigger, my hot buttons, when it comes to even judgment. I think we talked about it when we talked about that in the more recent podcast on judgment. How, when we can categorize behavior. And with youth, if we can categorize their positive behaviors and qualify it with a positive assessment or judgment, they’re going to continue to improve that behavior.
So things like respectful. My hot button is disrespectful. Well, when I see behaviors in young people that I find to be respectful, I’ll share that with them. And I say it like, I feel very respected when you raise your hand to talk in class. I serve in classrooms. And that allows me to really focus my complete attention on you, and hear what you have to share with the whole class. That’s the impact. So focus my complete attention, would be energy, and be able to hear and value what you’re going to share with the class, that’s more of a fulfillment impact.
Adam Salgat:
It’s interesting you’re mentioning of the four areas. I’ve never broken it down that way before. So it’s good to think about that though, because like we already mentioned, people connect differently to different things. So if I was constructing a FBI recognition statement for like my mother-in-law, who’s going to cook our Thanksgiving dinner basically. And ask for very little help, and not accept it if it was offered because that’s her nature. I would really want to think about that she’s probably going to connect more to the people and what it means, what it means to me that she’s doing that for us. Yeah.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yep. Well, and my sister-in-law, I can flip that. My sister-in-law makes the whole meal. We travel six to seven hours to be available for Thanksgiving with the family. She makes the entire meal, and that saves me time. And my recognition to her is, man, I really appreciate you putting this all together. It makes it where I can spend my time traveling to get here. And I don’t have to worry about what the dishes that I’m going to bring to pass. And then it allows me to just spend time with a family. Which would be a fulfillment impact as well. So it’s time and fulfillment. And quite frankly, I don’t mention it, but I also don’t have to invest any money in any ingredients.
Adam Salgat:
That’s true. I don’t either. And then I take home leftovers, so I don’t have to buy lunch or dinner for a day.
Sarah Weisbarth:
But for me, I’m valuing the time, and I’m valuing the time then with the family. So I share those impacts. The more you practice it, a lot of times, when we think about doing recognition it feels like this big appreciation statement that is going to, is going to rock someone’s world. Really just simplifying it down to a specific behavior, a feeling, and an identifiable impact, the more you do that, those simple things will rock people’s world. Because very often we’re not used to hearing those things. We’re not used to having that shared with us. And then you start to just continue to have that be part of the way you interact with people. Man alive, talk about something I’ll be thankful for over the holidays. Let’s lift people up.
Adam Salgat:
Thank you for taking the time to chat about recognition statements first. It means a lot to me because I think we need to do that more in society. And I think we can have a great impact on our listeners by hopefully continuing to encourage people to do that.
Sarah Weisbarth:
That was good. That was really good.
Adam Salgat:
But there are times of course, when we need to approach somebody about a behavior change, and the impact that their behavior is having on us, and that it needs to change moving forward. Can we talk a little bit about that?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah, I’m glad we did recognition first because very often we teach confrontation first, and then it’s like, oh, by the way, you can also use this for recognition. But if we remember the five to one ratio, focusing on the recognition first can actually create an environment where people will be willing then to hear the one confrontation, and hear it in such a way that they’ll be more motivated to change.
And again, providing that impact with the FBI statement, FBI for the impact, does help motivate change. Remembering I can’t make anyone change, but if I can create the environment, they’re going to be much more likely to want to change. So I create that environment with the five to one, right? So I’ve done a lot of positive affirmations, a lot of recognition. I’ve created trust and rapport in the relationship so that then when there is a behavior that I am having a problem with, I can go and use the same format that we’re familiar with, with the FBI, and say, well, here’s this behavior, and here’s what we could consider to be a negative, if we’re going to qualify it, impact of this behavior. Because of the time and investment I’ve done with that relationship, the likelihood for change is going to be greater.
Adam Salgat:
What if someone comes back and they’re just not connecting with the idea of the behavior, or the change that you’re looking for?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Well, we’re going to talk about in, I think it’s January or February. I think January’s webinar is about putting together and delivering the FBI. And then what do you do when you started that conversation. I’ll give you a sneak peek. How you deliver the message is going to matter. We shift back into listening. And then we might have to reframe our message, and come up with a different impact. Because maybe the impact that it’s having on me, it’s entirely possible the other individual doesn’t see the value of that impact. We can take this right back to the onion slide in perspectives. I’m coming from my needs and my values, you’re coming from your needs and your values. And if I share the impact that doesn’t connect with you, it’s not going to connect. So I have to shift and move and be like, okay, how else do I help this individual understand the impact of their behavior?
Adam Salgat:
Awesome.
Sarah Weisbarth:
It also might be my problem.
Adam Salgat:
Well, that’s an interesting concept. That’s self-reflection, right?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yeah. I mean, is it a problem? Or am I just having a problem with it? And do I shift into my three moves and think about, well, can I accept, can I change the situation, or do I continue to convey, here’s the impact of your behavior by having that conversation and asking for change?
Adam Salgat:
I think, shifting back into those three moves is pretty interesting because I would imagine, and I know I’ve actually been through it, where I talk to people or I bring it up to people in my life about something that they did, and they, for lack of a better term, explain their side, or explain what they were thinking or what they were feeling. And therefore now I’m back in that position of the three problems. Can I accept it? Do I need to move away from it? Or do I need to ask again for a different change? And many times I’d say once it’s talked about, you lean towards that being able to accept it. Because now you have some understanding, right?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Yes. That’s key. And surely we’ll talk about that more in January, of like, how does this all fit together, and how do you really walk this out in real life? I mean, we’ve been talking about just the pieces of FBI, right? Well now how do you put it together? How do you deliver it? How do you actually have the conversation? And have it in a way that maintains that trust and rapport in the relationship?
Adam Salgat:
Right.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Especially when you’re doing it over Turkey or ham, and you’re arguing about sports or politics. Or, should there be marshmallows on top of the sweet potato casserole or not?
Adam Salgat:
I say, no. My vote is no. Some people make sweet potatoes with syrup and I’m like, they’re called sweet potatoes because they are already a little sweet. I don’t know if you’re supposed to put six cups of syrup into sweet potatoes.
Sarah Weisbarth:
So back to my sister-in-law, let me tell you about the impact of her sweet potato casserole. It’s like dessert.
Adam Salgat:
Yeah.
Sarah Weisbarth:
So good.
Adam Salgat:
And I guess that everybody’s take is a little different, and that’s where we need to delve into our understanding, and I move away from the sweet potato casserole.
Sarah Weisbarth:
No, I’m leaning in. I’m leaning in with a spoon.
Adam Salgat:
I’d rather have the pie if I’m going to eat some dessert.
(music).
Well, you’ve got me hungry now, Sarah. So let’s, let’s wrap this podcast up so I can go find some food. What are today’s key takeaways for our listeners?
Sarah Weisbarth:
Well, first I really want to appreciate our listeners for hanging in there with us. I think we were a little punchy on a today’s podcast, and a little bit more conversational and fun. So I just really want to value our listeners for tuning in. Seeing the numbers on our podcast listens increase really inspires me and motivates me to continue to have these conversations. And then knowing that people are listening and considering how does this impact their lives, and applying it to their lives, again just continues to inspire me to do what we do.
So I think that would be actually my recognition for our audience. It would be my first key takeaway. And then my second would be truly understanding, impact matters. How is it impacting me? And how do I convey that impact in such a way that it will matter to another? Whether it’s with asking for change with confrontation, or acknowledging and appreciating and recognizing others in a way that’s meaningful.
Adam Salgat:
Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate your time. Well said about our listeners. Very much appreciate every one of them too. It’s been pretty awesome getting the opportunity to connect with people. And I absolutely love my time that I get to spend with you too. It’s good.
Sarah Weisbarth:
Back at you.
Adam Salgat:
And lastly, I’d just like to say Happy Thanksgiving everyone, enjoy your food.
If you have any suggestions about subjects for our podcast, feel free to reach out through our Facebook page. And if you’re interested in taking a class, visit ourcommunitylistens.org. Thank you again for listening to our podcast, and don’t forget, each word, each action, each silent moment of listening, sends a message. Therefore, you are the message.
(music).
